Ten Ways to Get Your Government to Notice You

1) Whenever filling out an application that asks for whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime, heavily underline the word "convicted" in pencil and then erase it so it smudges.

2) Wear a black leather trench coat everywhere, with your hands in your pockets.

3) Sit in an airport, train station, or government institution and read a newspaper in full view of the security cameras, then blatantly check your watch whenever a security guard passes.

4) Make your AOL screen name "TedK_YoonaBommer".

5) Wear sunglasses into banks and hunch your shoulders.

6) Take flying lessons. Withdraw from the course when you start learning how to land.

7) Make large purchases with cash, preferably in sequential bills.

8) If you're ever near the CIA headquarters, drive really slowly past the gates.

9) Make other people conduct your ATM transactions, but let the ATM camera catch a glimpse of your face.

10) File the serial numbers off your kitchen appliances.